Great friends, great days

There is nothing quite like catching up with a good friend.

Holly is visiting for the night, we spent the afternoon in Oxford Street having a giggle- oh and a pop to the doughnut place, crispy cremes...good god they are like a little taste of heaven...make that 2, as that is how many i ate!

By the time we got back we were so shattered it was a case of chilling out and watching a dvd then a trip to eat and then we went to the pub with a flatmate and a guy that is staying here a couple of nights.

It is so nice to talk shit, politics, current affairs, set the world to rights with like minded normal people, of course we all have our different opinions, bound to as we all come from different backgrounds, but for once it wasnt bloody surface conversation, it was a sitmulating conversation with my peers that didnt involve silly girls giggling, which lets face it, thats what ive been surround with this past year. It was like a breath of fresh air, reminding me I am a 27 year old woman, not a stupid girly girl of 18.

Hell yes I miss being 18- but not the things you think I would. I dont miss being hung up on some guy or the 4 day weekends we used to have, but as you hit your mid/late 20's I miss the confidence I felt at that age, feeling that you knew everything, that you could achieve anything, that nothing was out of your grasp.

That and my size 6 figure I had then...I definitely miss that!!

Dear Keith

It has been a year since you vanished, since you left a hole in our hearts.

I can't believe how long it has been since I saw your cheeky, annoying face. Always up for a laugh, always looking for a party, the next wind up, the next woman...if only you had slowed down to enjoy it. 25 is no age to die, and in such a silly way. Why did you have to go that night? I try not to think about your death too much, all I hope is that you didn't suffer.

I suppose someone like you was always doomed to go early, you lived fast and never wanted to get old and grow up- now you never will. Forever you will be young, beautiful and cheeky as hell.

My one sadness is not my loss, but that fact you never fulfilled your life ambition, to be a father and a husband. Something I remember you talking about all those years ago when you battled cancer. You would have made a wonderful father, if you could have ever settled down with one woman long enough!

I still have that one letter you sent me, from the ship when you stationed off the coast somewhere near Afghanistan, and the one photo of us together at Lisa and Mark's wedding. I remember our nights out in the clubs, the text conversations and the meal you cooked for me. I remember that awful sound you called music and your dream of making music people would listen to. I remember what a terrible flirt you were, and your awful dress sense- even if it was fashionable. I remember your confidence, no woman was off limits, even if some were married. I remember your love of dancing and the surprise that you could dance! I remember all you ever wanted was a one true love. I remember how much you made me mad, how you never knew when to stop, how we bickered, how I always thought that no matter how long we didnt talk for, I always thought that you would be there as a friend. I remember how you lied and cheated, always trying to push your luck.

You made me laugh, even when things were bad, I could never stay mad at you for long! You had this thing about you, an indescribable trait that made people love you, that twinkle in your eye, always on the look out for mischief!

You were an enigma, you didnt let many people close, to see the sensitive, vunerable side but we all knew it was there through all that bravado.

I thought we would always be friends, I hope you knew how my I cared, time and distance never changed that.

You will always have a special place in my heart, I miss you.

Laura x

Old flatmates

The end of a school year, the end of a tenancy agreement- the flatmates started moving out last week and by saturday we had gone from 12 to 3 and by monday, just 2.

It was sad to see them go, the people who i spent nearly 9 months with but no tears from me!

The strangest thing about the year was a surprise friend.

Tom, 18, first time away from home, on my course, was the flatmate I thought I would never get on with. He was so self assured when he moved in, maybe I was jealous of his confidence, or the fact that he always had to be right just pissed me off, I dont know. Tom became my dearest friend here, I will miss him terribly, he was kind, gentle, caring, funny, sensitive and insensitive. He became my partner in crime with watching late night tv, eating chocolate and the floor water fights we had. By the time he moved out I couldnt think of one bad thing about him. Yes he is young, yes he has much to learn but he has such a good heart, all I hope is that we will stay in touch so I can see him grow into this amazing man I know he will be.

Remarkable in the face of adversity

The only thing you can be certain of when you are born is that one day, you will die. That isnt supposed to sound morbid BUT its the only fact of life you can rely upon.

The thing about life is, you never know when your time is up, it could be tomorrow, next month, or in 50 years time. It is a guessing game. Unless you have a terminal illness.

Something remarkable is seeing someone you love, someone who is so important in your life, just accept it- like you had told them that you are out of coffee.

My aunt has always been very supportive to me, encouraged me and made sure I knew that she loved me. I love her company, she makes me laugh, always has something important to say and can always put your problems into perspective.

I couldnt believe the news that she had cancer. The news just got progressively worse, terminal, a year, then maybe christmas. It has all moved so fast and I know that she is obviously upset by the news but she has decided that she will enjoy every day that she has. She is so positive- she skipped the angry, why me stage.

This woman has had her life turned upside down and yet, still cares for those around her- how, I dont know but she is one amazing woman.

Because she has accepted what is happening to her, you take solice in her strength. The truth of the matter is, I went to visit her and she put on a brave face, looked pretty good under the circumstances and made the visit enjoyable. I was determind not to let her see me sad, so like her I put on my show face and we laughed together and talked about everything, not just her cancer BUT what I didnt say was that I dont know how I will cope without her being in my life.

I thought that she would be the batty old aunt I would visit when she was 90. The younger sister to outlive my own parents. To accept her illness, to accept that by this time next year she is unlikely to still be with us is one thing but to imagine my life without her being in it, I just cant imagine. I feel crushed at the very thought. Who will I talk with now?

This is not a pity email, but the fact of the matter is I worry about all the family. My 2 cousins will obviously be crushed at loosing their mother, but they have wives and children to help them through it, but my uncle, a lovely, bubbly man- what of him? How do you continue when the love of your life, someone who has been the most important person in your life for over 30 years has gone? Will the spark leave his life, will he be able to still find happiness in life after my aunt? I am afraid he will be so lonely without her, how can you ever help someone in that situation? I can't make it better or put it right.

The brutual truth is I will be living in London when all this happens and my own mother will be left alone during this if my father is working away at the time, and its her baby sister, someone who she talks to regularly, she will not only have to grieve alone but deal with my rather demanding grandmother's grief as well...oh its all such a mess.

My only question is, why her? Why my loving, caring aunt, someone who is so important within our family unit?

No-one will be able to fill the hole she leaves behind.

All Change

Wow, it been ages since I have left a diary entry on this thing. So much has happened I dont know where to begin.

I suppose I should start with the beginning of May. I dropped out of my course! Yes I know that sounds bad, and at 27 you would think i would know better by now but the course was harder than I expected, and hey I am not the kind of girl who shys away from hard work but when there was no enjoyment involved either I knew I had to make a change.

With my Aunt and her (now) terminal illness it made me re-evaluate my life choices. She said the nicest thing to me, she has accepted her illness so well, she said she had no regrets, she was happy her children were settled with their own families and she has had a great life but she said she wanted me to be happy, to find happiness. So that is what I have spent this last month trying to find, and I think I may have found something that might just do it.

I hated school, I mean, there was never any excelling from me, I struggled not through lack of intellect but through drive and ambition. I didnt find the school environment conducive with hard work. The social side of school is what I turned up for. My GCSEs and A Levels were ok, nothing special, I could have done so much better but I just didnt care to.

When I faced the working world, I hated being the lower jobs, someone easily ignored because I wasnt high-flying. I thought to gain peoples respect you had to have a good job, like that dictates what kind of person you are!

Now, years on, I realise it is the heart and soul of a person that is what is important. Money buys nice things and gives you a certain amount of security but it wont provide you with inner peace and happiness.

I turned up to University and I guess I wasnt very well prepared. This last year has given me back my independance, I feel all grown up now- my own person.

The year hasnt been an easy one, there have been a few highs but if im truthful mostly lows.

When I decided Architecture wasnt the course for me, rather than making a hasty decision I used all of the university facilities to help guide me somewhere I could be happy.

Over the years many people have suggested that I look into teaching. I just laughed it off, hey I slacked off at school, I hated school.

If you look hard enough at yourself, you can see what kind of person you are. I am not a competitive person, I revel at peoples sucesses not failures. I will be the first to guide someone, to help, encourage and motivate. I guess that makes me perfect Teaching material...and they do say, those who can't teach!!!

So, this September, with the support of family and friends I will begin my English Literature degree, staying at the University of Westminster with an aim of doing the PGCE teaching certificate afterwards. I feel liberated, relaxed, relieved and excited about my decision.

I can see myself being happy teaching, and afteral, thats all a person really wants from life, to be happy.

Enemy

Hi Guys,

Been a hectic week, the joy of end of year deadlines! I'm my own worst enemy at the moment. Got behind last term and I guess didn't push the boat out on catching up and boy has this been tough week. 2 all nighters and the usual insomnia...makes 4 days and only 6 hours sleep....not a pretty sight, Laura sleep deprieved!

Any how, down to the last 6 weeks, got to wave goodbye to the lazy lifestyle and get myself a job this summer...dreading next year's rental costs, central london prices, yuck!

Anyhow, hope all is well with everyone

Laura

It's been awhile

Nothing to report on the western front...deadlines, deadlines, deadlines- the joy of end of year!

Late starter

I suppose you could guess from ending up at uni at 26 I was kind of a late starter!

Did you ever suffer from puppy love? First love?

I did but like everything else I had to wait. Ian came into my life about 2.5 years ago and boy it knocked me over like never before.

He still pops up in my life from time to time and it's great when he gets in touch, it brings back all those feelings, you never forget your first love I guess.

Clinging to the past

There can be a limit to how much you can cling to the past, to when it becomes unhealthy, when you stop living in the present.

I think that I've been dwelling too much on the past lately- I need to start making new memories. Moving to London and becoming a student was the hardest thing I've done in a long time and it's been tough but worthwhile.

I spoke to someone today who reminded me that whereas I have friends, close friends, that are from when I was a child I suppopse in a way I have stopped making new ones because I was secure in the knowledge I had some of the best already. She said that I haven't even met some of the best friends in my life yet and that I need to open myself up to new possibilities, I think she could be right.

University seems such a crucial time in a person's life, but if you consider it being just 3 years, it's nothing when you look at a lifetime, it's just a fleeting moment.

Life can be hard, scarey, trying at times, but it can also be rewarding, worthwhile, envigorating, enlightening.

Life gives you so many oppportunities, don't close yourself off to them.

Holiday at home

8 days at home and what a fun packed time it was...

Arrived thursday late, chat with mum, nice comfy sofa, food in the cupboards and sky tv to watch, great!

Friday, very laid back, didnt do much

Saturday, went birthday shopping with mum, got some clothes, much needed and visited the old dragon, the snow queen, aka Grandma

Sunday, easter, chocolate!! Went to a house warming bbq, saw the ever lovely Chris, only to find out the wife has just dumped him, poor soul. Stitched up his parents and their friends by going through Chris' old cocktail recipy book from when he was on the cruise ships, hilarious, left them all so pissed they were virtually falling off the sofas and headed home.

D-Day also known as birthday number 27. Day started with a nice breakfast and presents, got some beautiful earrings from my brother and some beauty products- do you think he is trying to tell me something?
Received some very thoughful presents, quite touched oh and money- you really appreicate it when you are a poor student and waiting for the next student loan to come in!!
Chilled out with a DVD in the afternoon then hit the shower to get ready for the b'day gathering. Ended up with about 15 of us all drinking and eating pizza, nice opportunity to catch up with old friends, people I hadn't the chance to catch up with at Christmas.

Tuesday was back up to London for a musical with Marc (brother), Jamie (his Boyf) andMike (their landlord). Victoria Apollo theatre is a beauty inside, def art deco style but not a traditional format. Saw the Billy Joel musical, Movin' Out. Not a traditional musical, basically a band and singer on a moving platform and a troop of amazing dancers on the main stage. A contemporary ballet is the best descripion, it was brilliant but not for those who dont appreciate ballet!!

Wednesday was a 5 mile walk along the coast to the roman ruins, the reculver fort, it was a lovely morning for walking, nice to get out in the peace and quiet and get some fresh air. Dad was home so it was nice to chat to him on the walk. Visited the dreaded dentist and got the good news of being referred privately to an authodontist- it's going to cost a fortune to just see the bugger. Met up with Lisa, so nice to take time out and catch up, seems like its been forever.

Thursday was fab, I spent all day and I mean all day in bed snoozing, amazingly enough the folks just left me there instead of forcing me into a shower. Went and checked out brother's garden, amazing how time changes people, we always took the piss out of my dad for hiding in his garden when we were growing up and now my brother loves gardening!

Friday brought about Saint Laura- spent the morning with my grandma, took the old cow out for coffee and sorted out the latest crisis she was having...ta dah, upped to sainthood!
More birthday shopping, packing and then headed back to the big smoke.

Holiday over and back to reality, oh well, there is always the summer!

27 and no grey hair YET

I never appear in pictures so I've taken one care of delayed timer, late at night, at my computer, enjoy the laugh at my expense!!